100 Days & GREAT News

Today marks 100 days that Dan's been deployed, but I received great news this morning. Dan has a flight home! He is scheduled to leave Afghanistan and then has a flight back to the US on the 16th of May. He doesn't know times yet, so we're not sure if he'll be back here in CA on the 16th or 17th. Either way, this is fantastic news. I've secretly been concerned they wouldn't send him home early like they're supposed to do.

(Inset picture is Dan on April 14th, 2010)

He's been doing great these last few weeks. They changed his job from standing in a watch tower for 12 hours a day wearing heavy gear to being the "gunner" two convoys a day to a base about a mile away (he still has to wear the gear, but he gets to sit down and the convoys only take a few hours each). He really likes the change - he's able to have 'normal' hours, use the gym and Internet, and use the food galley. Plus, he gets to nap sometimes between the convoys, which he loves. He says this change has really helped the time go by more quickly for him, so that's good.

I've started researching places for us to rent up in Grants Pass. We'll be moving up in the middle of July. I've also contacted the hospitals in the area about jobs for myself and I've started setting things up for school for Dan (he doesn't get enough time online to do these things). The housing up there is looking good (definitely a lot cheaper then down here) and we're excited for what's to come in the next few months.

Thank you all for your wonderful encouragement in the last few months.

Resentment and Understanding the Lack of Understanding

Resentment is evil. I'm convinced it's of the Devil. It grows quickly and holds strong, like a vine of Ivy. Once it takes hold it is very difficult to get rid of. I have a tactic to keep resentment at bay - I ignore what I'm afraid might make me resentful. I try not to think about the little things that, when combined, will turn into that awful vine. I'm too scared of what might become if I think about those little things. When they do manage to creep into my thoughts - which I rarely allow - I only let them linger for a moment before dismissing them away. Like an annoying cat that you can just put outside when it's not convenient to have around.

I think there's a lack of understanding that sparks and surrounds resentment. Resentment builds when you're holding something against someone (or something) else. Holding something against someone (or something) else stems from some kind of misunderstanding. A mis-guided act, spoken words, the lack of an act or words...

I will never know what it's like to be the one gone. The one away form home and the surroundings you're used to. I'll never know what it's like to completely follow someones schedule, no questions asked. I'll never know what it's like to wear heavy, uncomfortable gear day in and day out. To eat crappy food for months at a time. To never have a moment alone without someone else around. To sleep, eat, bath, work with the same people, 24 hours a day for months at a time. I'll never know what it's like to be afraid for my safety in that capacity. I'll never know what it's like to miss my friends and family and to hope there's still a place for me when I make it home. I'll never know what it's like to entrust all the responsibilities of home on my spouse. I'll never know what it's like to continuously cough up dirt, use a porta-potty, or sleep in a tent with at least 15 other coughing, snoring, men.

My husband will never understand what it's like to be the one left behind. The one left in charge of the day-to-day responsibilities of not just one, but two lives. He'll never understand what it's like to pay the bills, clean the house, manage three bank accounts, take care of our pets, take care of both cars and their maintenance, while going to school/work full-time. He'll never understand what it's like to answer all the questions he leaves for people when he posts ambiguous things online. He won't get the phone calls from his in-laws with questions about their child's safety. He won't have to dance around the truth to them. He won't have to do the taxes, or send out birthday cards, or deal with the DMV. He won't have to come home to a quiet, empty house day after day. He won't make excuses to go places or run errands just to be around people. He won't go to the movies alone. He won't go to bed and feel guilty for waking up on the wrong side. He won't spend hours in line at the post office, buy packing tape in bulk, or fill out customs forms like a pro. He won't sit by the phone and pray it rings. He won't pray that when the doorbell rings unexpectedly it's not two men in uniform to deliver horrible news. He won't see the look of pity on people's faces when they find out that he's gone for months. He won't have to hear people say that the time has gone by quickly and he'll be home "so soon".

I'll never know what it's like to be the one that leaves. He'll never know what it's like to be the one left behind. This is our unspoken understanding. Understanding that we'll never understand.

Excitement Drowned out by Skepticism

What do you do when your husband tells you that there is a possibility of him coming home from his deployment in Afghanistan a few weeks sooner then you had hoped? Do you jump up and down with excitement before running out and telling your friends and family, or do you listen with skepticism and try to pretend you didn’t receive this information?

I chose the latter. I tried to fake excitement for his sake. I want him home more then anything else - he knows that - but I can’t let myself get excited before we know for sure. With the Military, nothing is ever for sure. I’ve told him before, I won’t let myself be excited until he’s got a flight number and arrival time. It’s too hard to be let down. I’ve spent the last almost 3 months with barriers up - barriers that protect me from being hurt and disappointed. As much as I want to be excited, as much as I want to give in and tell our family and friends, I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to them if it didn’t work out. It wouldn’t be fair to me. But, is it fair for my husband that I fake excitement at what should be exciting news? I don’t know. I hardly know what my role is, exactly. I send letters at least once a week. I send packages with snacks, fun little things, and other requests of his. I take care of our cars, our apartment, our finances, our pets, our families. I’m always supportive and encouraging to him and I try my hardest to be upbeat and happy. That’s what he needs from me. That’s my job. What more can I possibly do from 7500 miles away?

So, yes. I chose the latter. I listened with skepticism while trying to push this newest information out of my head. I acted excited while keeping myself from truly being so. This is my role.

Inspiration

I thought that maybe I should share my inspiration for starting this blog. It stems from a total stranger.

This is a link to her blog, and below it is the email I sent her about what her blog meant to me. Yes, this stranger's blog is my inspiration for my own. If you choose to read her blog, start at the bottom post and work your way up. It only takes about 15 minutes.
http://hilarybrock.blogspot.com/

Hi, Hilary.

You don't know me, but I went to high school with your husband. I kind of doubt he would remember me, I think we only interacted one weekend while at Lake San Antonio with a church group. Anyway, my friend suggested I check out your blog, so I did. You see, I'm a Navy wife. My husband is currently in Afghanistan. He was supposed to go to Japan at the end of February for just 3 months, but in December we were told it was changed to Afghanistan for 8 months. Then two days before Christmas we got a call saying he was leaving in 2 weeks. How quickly and dramatically things change. We've been through 3 deployments together and they have all be very different experiences. He spent 7 months in Iraq driving for Convoy Security 3 years ago. At that point we weren't dating and were just really good friends. Then last year he was in Spain for 7 months. We were dating at this point and it was wonderful to have him somewhere where I didn't have to worry about his safety all the time. This time he left 2 months after we got married, and like you did, I'm constantly worrying about the safety of him and his group.

I just wanted to tell you how much your blog moved me. It was like I was reading my own mind. Everything you wrote is what I've felt, but haven't expressed. Your heart physically aching, not knowing details (and not knowing if you want to know them), accepting help from others, avoiding news broadcasts, the awful feeling you get when you realized you've accepted the fact that you're now on your own and the guilt that comes with that realization, being strong on the phone when all you want to do is break down and tell him what's really going on, the hasty decision to get a pet (we got 2 ferrets right before he left and I'm often feeling as you did - was this a good idea?), missing the little things married people share, and trying not to get too excited when the end is drawing near.

Everyday I wait for a phone call. The doorbell rings and I pray there won't be two Navy men dressed up at my doorstep. I feel guilty when I realize that I don't remember what his arms around me feels like. But, I am also a lucky Navy wife. My husband's contract with the Navy is up at the end of this coming June. We are hopeful the Navy will send him home and won't stop-loss him for the remainder of his group's deployment.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that there are people like me out there reading your blog. The next time someone asks me how it feels I will send them to your site.

Thank you for finding the courage to put into words what so many of us Military wives are feeling and going through. I'm so glad Nate is back home safely with you (and your dog).

~Jen~